Hyacinth Bucket Vs Diana Trent
by Red Witch
Summary: Crossover between Keeping Up Appearances and Waiting for God. Hyacinth decides to speak at a local retirement home as well as check her father into it. Guess who she runs into?


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Disclaimer: I do not own anything! None of the characters are mine so don't bother suing me. For purposes of this fic I am putting Bayview not too far from where Hyacinth lives. I'm American so I have no idea about where these towns are for real (or even if they are real-probably not!) so please bear with me! This is only a fanfic anyway so just throw reality out the door and enjoy!

**Hyacinth Bucket vs. Diana Trent**

"She's going to sing at me!" Emmett was curled up on the sofa in a fetal position. "I'm not going! She's going to sing at me!"

"Emmett," Elizabeth reproached her brother. "She is not going to sing at you."

"Oh yes she will!"

"No she won't!"

"Yes she will! I can already feel my eardrums splitting apart at the seams!"

"Emmett, she will not sing at you for two reasons: One, she's too wrapped up in her latest project. And Two: the Light Opera season is over for a few months so she'll have no reason to sing to you!"

"She'll make up a reason!" Emmett wailed. "I know it! I know it!"

"No she won't!" Elizabeth grabbed her brother's feet and tried to yank him off the couch. "She's saving her voice!"

"I wish she would save it! Preferably in Fort Knox or anywhere else it's impossible to get into!" Emmett shouted. "What makes you so sure?"

"Because she's be invited as a guest speaker at some kind of function. That's why, now come on!" With a heave Elizabeth yanked her brother off the couch where he landed on the floor with a thump.

"What?" Emmett was more startled by the news than the fall. "Who in their right minds would actually **want** Hyacinth to talk for hours at a time? Who on earth could be **that** stupid?"

"Bayview Retirement Community, Harvey Baines speaking," Harvey spoke into his phone. "Oh yes. Yes. She did what? Oh no not another one. Yes. Yes. I'll…Um…Oh dear…Oh uh yes. Goodbye!" Harvey put down the phone and let out an agonizing scream.

Jane ran into the room. "What's wrong Harvey?"

"Diana just set our latest cook on fire," Harvey rolled his eyes. "Thank god he was an illegal alien or else we'd all be in serious trouble!"

"Oh dear," Jane went over to Harvey and put her hand on his shoulder.

"Yes I know," Harvey closed his eyes. "Fortunately all I have to do is what I did with the other ones, pay them off and ship them back where they came from. I wonder if I'm entitled to a discount by now? Jane…"

"Yes Harvey?" Jane said breathlessly.

"You're touching me!" He snapped. "How many times do I have to tell you to stop doing that?"

"Sorry Harvey," She pulled her hand away.

"Well," He said. "One good bit of news today is that I've arranged for a guest speaker for tomorrow. A Mrs. Bucket will come to talk about manners or something. I wasn't quite paying attention. And the best part is she's thinking of dropping off her father here. That means another paying customer."

"Well that's nice," Jane grinned. "I love meeting new people."

"So do I," Harvey said. "Especially since everyone I know won't give me any more money. It's always nice to have someone new to fleece."

"Harvey that's not very charitable."

"Jane I am a businessman, what do you expect? Mother Bloody Teresa?" Harvey asked. "Even she made out pretty good. She was pretty smart to corner the leper market. Five to one she had some kind of deal with the spare parts people. God I wish we had gotten that Japanese contract a year ago. That prosthetics factory would have been a gold mine around here. If it wasn't for Diana Trent and Tom Ballard…Oh god that reminds me! We have to find a way to keep them away from the lecture tomorrow! We don't want to scare off another paying customer!"

"That's not going to happen Harvey."

"Don't be so sure. This is Diana Trent we're talking about. Anything is possible."

"Just what we need around here," Diana Trent grumbled as she sat down in the main dining hall. "Another dull lecture by a patronizing twit whose main goal in life is to bore us to death while filling herself up with delusions of grandeur."

"If I wanted to commit suicide by boredom I'd talk to my son Jeffery," Tom Ballard nodded. "Last time he spoke on the phone for two hours on shelving paper. Thank god a decent movie was on TV."

"Do you mean to tell me you actually watched a movie while listening to your son?" Diana asked.

"Oh good god no," Tom said. "I just put the phone down when I watched it. I went back during the commercials, said 'yes' a couple of times and that did the trick. He never noticed the difference."

"What ho everybody," Basil sauntered up to them. "Everyone's here for the big show?"

"Show! Ha! You find a decent show in Vegas," Diana told him. "Here you get some potty lunatic who talks for hours about the stupidest things. The only reason people here show up is the fact that it kills time while waiting for the Grim Reaper to make his appearance."

"Well the lecture is about manners," Basil said. "Something that you haven't been acquainted with in quite some time."

"I am perfectly capable of being polite," Diana said. "The trouble is that there are too many morons around to waste being polite on."

"Speaking of morons there's Banes," Tom pointed to Harvey who was being followed by a very formidable woman. "God he looks even worse than when you put him through the ringer Diana."

"Come along Daddy," Hyacinth led along an elderly man in a decent suit. "Richard! Emmett come on now! We don't have all day! Mr. Banes I don't like to make a fuss…"

"Wouldn't know it," Harvey grunted. "You've been doing it all day!"

"But we really should have some decent china for the placement settings here," Hyacinth continued as if she hadn't heard him. (She didn't.) "I know we can't expect Royal Doulton but if one wishes to make a proper demonstration one needs to make an impression."

"Well then why didn't you just bring a set with you?" Harvey asked, more than slightly annoyed with this woman. He looked at Richard, Elizabeth and Emmett lugging in several boxes. "You're brought everything else."

"Well one likes to be prepared," Hyacinth grinned. "Richard! Careful with my good china!"

"Harvey," Diana felt like being malicious (a rather common emotion in her case). "I see you're looking worse than usual. Got a touch of the plague that's going around?"

"Diana…" Harvey suddenly had a malicious idea. "Come over here…I want you to meet someone."

"Why not? I have time to kill," Diana sighed as she walked over.

Tom had noticed that Hyacinth's father was looking bored. "Hello there old chap," Tom walked over to Hyacinth's father. "Tom Ballard's the name! Fancy a trip to France to rescue the world from Hitler?" To this Hyacinth's father nodded happily. "Good show! Now let's get our ammunition!" They went off together as if they were the best of friends already.

"This is Ms. Trent, Mrs. Bucket," Harvey introduced them.

"My name is pronounced Bouquet," Hyacinth said sweetly.

"Bouquet," Diana looked at her. "Spelled B-U-C-K-E-T?"

"That's right," Hyacinth smiled condescendingly.

"You're a nut job aren't you?" Diana said.

"Oh look the lawn is on fire again," Harvey gulped and swiftly moved himself from the two women. "Where the hell did Tom get the firecrackers from this time?"

"Well Mrs. Trent I believe…" Hyacinth began.

"It's **Ms**. Trent," Diana corrected her.

"I see…" Hyacinth's eyes narrowed as if to say: _Oh, you're one of **those** women. No marriage, no status. _"I suppose to someone from **your** background the proper placement of utensils at the dinner table might seem a bit extravagant, but then what is the point of life without such niceties?

"Oh really?" Diana's eyes narrowed saying: _God you're one of **those** women! Stuck up social climbing twit! _ "I admit in my nearly fifty years as a professional photographer I was more concerned about dodging bullets from the Viet Cong than making soup for them." _Top that!_

"A photographer? Really?" Hyacinth's tone changed. _Not only did you choose an unladylike profession, you haven't made much money at it did you? _"You must have had a very…**interesting** life."

_At least I **had** a life instead of hanging around the house all day waiting for hubby to come home! _"Very interesting," Diana grinned as if she was going to eat Hyacinth.

"You don't have any children don't you?" Hyacinth said sweetly. _All right let's try this approach…_

"No I don't," Diana replied. _Oh god not the bloody motherhood routine…_

Ah Ha! Score one! "No I didn't think you would," Hyacinth grinned. "With putting your career first and all." _And having nothing to show for it!_

"Just one of those things I guess," Diana made a forced grin. _Oh and what's so great about your offspring? What is he the Pope or something?_

"I have one son," Hyacinth beamed. "Sheridan. He's my pride and joy." _I have a son and you don't! Ha! Ha! Ha! _"But I guess it's hard for a woman who's never had any children to understand."

"Well we can't all be breeders now can we?" Diana remarked. _Oh I understand perfectly. You never had a life of your own so you're living vicariously through sonny boy! How pathetic!_

"No I guess some of us were born with a talent for motherhood," Hyacinth retorted. _Pathetic? At least I know my son would never let me languish in a dump like this! _"And others well…maybe it's just as well that they **don't** have children." _One less pair of defective genes to contaminate the gene pool!_

"Now see here…" Diana was getting angry.

"Well what have we here?" Basil slyly interjected himself between the two of them. He looked at Hyacinth with a twinkle in his eye. "Here's a young friendly face. They call me Basil, the head stud of Bayview. It's my job to show all the fillies around here a good time."

"I beg your pardon!" Hyacinth said icily.

"You'll be begging for a lot more than that on our date sweetie," Basil grinned.

"Shut up you silly old fool," Diana snapped. "This is our speaker for the day."

"I know that," Basil said. "I just wanted to increase my reputation."

"If you mean your reputation for being a randy old goat you certainly have," Diana groaned.

"Oh look," Basil then noticed Elizabeth. "There's another pretty filly ripe for the taking. Excuse me."

"I wish we could," Diana groaned as Basil ran after Elizabeth.

"What an…interesting gentleman," Hyacinth said. "I wonder if he likes afternoon tea?"

"You are a nut job," Diana decided. "I should introduce you to a friend of mine. You two would get on like a house on fire."

"Uh maybe its time for Mrs. Bu-Er-Bouquet to start her demonstration?" Jane asked as she moved in and started to move Diana away. 

"Forget that!" An elderly woman shouted. "I'd rather see this show!" Several other residents agreed.

"Yes why don't you run along dear and let your betters show you how it's done," Hyacinth grinned.

"Oh no…" Jane simply let Diana escape her grasp, knowing it would be pointless to stop her. "Here we go…"

"Don't call me dear unless you want to get struck on the head with a very blunt object," Diana informed her. "I am not senile. A touch psychotic maybe but I certainly have my wits about me and do not live in any type of fantasy world. Which is more than I can say for **you**."

"Now I…" Hyacinth began only to be stopped by Diana's poking finger.

"I'm not finished you patronizing twit!" She told her.

"Oh yes you are!" Hyacinth was now seeing red. No one interrupted her without consequences.

"Here we go…" Richard moaned knowing that a battle was coming up. "Of all the times to be out of aspirin."

"Here sonny," One old man pulled out a flask. "Take a slug of this!"

"Thank you kind sir," Richard sighed as he took it. "You will never know how much I appreciate this!"

"It's like something out of Wild Kingdom isn't it?" Tom said to Hyacinth's father. Both had snuck away from Harvey who was trying to put out the shrubbery. "Two strong proud territorial elephants sizing each other up, ready to fight to the death!"

Hyacinth's father grinned and made a motion to his pocket. "What's that old boy?" Tom asked. "You think its time we get in the first strike? Not a bad idea…"

Meanwhile a familiar beat up car went up the drive to Bayview. "I don't know if I want Father to go to a retirement village," Daisy sighed. "He's perfectly happy at home!"

"Of course he's happy," Onslow grumbled. "He lives in a bloomin' fairyland. Half the time he thinks he's someone else and we have to watch out for him and humor him."

"I still wish you hadn't let Hyacinth take Father like that," Daisy sighed.

"In the first place since when does any one 'let' your Hyacinth do anything?" Onslow asked in an annoyed tone. "She just blew in, made a comment about me not wearing a shirt, grabbed the old man, stuffed him in a monkey suit and took him. She's like a bloody hurricane in a hat. A force of nature you cannot change no matter how hard you try. You just have to try and get out of her path without being damaged as much as possible."

"He's got a point," Rose casually filed her nails in the back seat.

"And in the second place when you heard that your Hyacinth was on her way over you took off like a bat out of hell without telling me!" Onslow snapped.

"Well… We were out of chips and beer," Daisy faltered. "And I know how fussy you get when we're out. I was just trying to be a good wife. Besides she said she was just going to take Father out for an outing. Not put him in a home!"

"Well it doesn't look so bad," Rose looked around.

"Neither did the Tower of London to Anne Boylen before she got her head chopped off!" Daisy snapped.

"See I told you you'd learn a lot from Open University," Onslow said.

"Actually I got that from Who Wants to be a Millionaire," Daisy corrected him. "And that's besides the point. Father doesn't belong in a home."

"You're right," Onslow parked the car. "He belongs in a loony bin."

"Well it looks like this is the place," Rose pointed.

Elizabeth was being chased by a rather energetic Basil. "Come back lovely!" Basil shouted. "So what if your husband's in Saudi Arabia? He'll never know!"

"Take a look Rose," Onslow said. "That'll be you in about forty or so years!"

"Oh shut your face Onslow!" Rose snapped. "But if they have blokes like this here I might want to take a tour. Yo hoo!" Rose started to chase after Basil. "Hello! Wait for me!"

"All right I know it's customary for our Rose to go off after anything in trousers but since when does she run after the geriatric set?" Onslow was dumbfounded.

"Well, she did say she wanted to do more for charity," Daisy shrugged. "Maybe this is her way. Providing companionship?"

"That's not all she's gonna get if she starts…" Onslow began.

"AGGGH! MY ROYAL DOULTON CHINA!" They could hear Hyacinth screaming. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

"That was Hyacinth!" Onslow told her. "I'd recognize that scream anywhere!" They ran as fast as they could to the back. To their shock they saw a strange sight. Hyacinth on the ground moaning her broken china. Several shrubs were on fire. Richard was drinking from a flask getting drunk and several elderly people were placing bets.

"Hyacinth what's happened?" Daisy asked as she ran up.

"MY ROYAL DOULTON!" Hyacinth wept. "THEY DESTROYED MY ROYAL DOULTON!"

"Oh what a shame," Diana grinned. "Hello there, Diana Trent. Welcome to Bayview."

"I'm Daisy, Hyacinth's sister," Daisy said.

"You have my sympathy," Diana told her.

"Hyacinth what happened? Where's Daddy?" Daisy shouted.

Diana smiled sweetly. "Oh he and Tom decided to fly to Normandy. For the invasion. D-Day is upon us!"

A series of loud pops rang out. "Oh I believe it's started," Diana grinned.

"TOM BALLARD! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF THOSE MINI FIRECRACKERS!" Harvey shouted. "OW! OW!"

"YEOW!" Emmett shouted. "I ALMOST WISH HYACINTH WAS SINGING AT ME NOW!"

"TOM! YOU AND YOUR FRIEND STOP SETTING HARVEY AND OUR GUESTS ON FIRE RIGHT NOW!" Jane shouted. "OH! TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"

"Hyacinth I'm sorry about your dishes but I need to talk to you!" Daisy said.

"THEY'RE NOT DISHES! THEY'RE ROYAL BLOODLY DOULTON!" Hyacinth leapt up. She glared at Diana. "YOU DID THIS!"

"Excuse me I am not the one with the firecrackers," Diana pointed out. "I believe your dear sweet Daddy was the one who lobbied them."   
"Hyacinth this is important!" Daisy said.

"Not half as important as finding a good lawyer and suing these people for destruction of good taste!" Hyacinth snapped.

"I don't want Father to be put in a home!" Daisy shouted.

"You're right," Hyacinth told her.

"I am?" Daisy blinked. She had expected an argument.

"Daisy compared to this place your house is the very center of tranquility!" Hyacinth snapped. "There is no way I will allow Father to spend his remaining years here."

"And compared to you Diana's Little Miss Bloody Sunshine!" Harvey snapped as he hobbled over to her. "Oh my god did I actually say something nice about Diana Trent?"

"Harvey!" Jane ran by him being chased by Hyacinth's father. "SAVE ME!"

"Not now Jane," Harvey said. "Mrs. Bucket and we **both know** that is **your name**, it was your father who destroyed your own dishes. Not to mention the fact that he set several rosebushes on fire…"

"HARVEY!" Jane ran by with Hyacinth's father holding onto her back.

"Not to mention molesting my staff!" Harvey said. "Say I'll bet I could get a few dollars out of this…"

"YOU'RE NOT MAKING MONEY OFF MY ROYAL DOULTON!" Hyacinth had had enough and tackled Harvey. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU PEASANT!"

"Hyacinth!" Daisy startled.

"Oh let her have her fun," Diana told her. "Women beat up Harvey Banes all the time. It's practically a sport in this town."

"Hey your Hyacinth as a pretty good right hook," Onslow observed. "I'd bet she'd do well if she took up professional boxing."

"Ding Dong the Doulton is dead…" Richard hiccuped.

"Well at least Daddy had a good day out," Daisy sighed as her father chased Jane around.

"Too bad the same can't be said for your Rose," Onslow laughed as he watched Rose chase Basil. "For an old man he's pretty swift. You know Dais, I've been thinking. It won't be long until we're in our golden years. Maybe we ought to check this place out."

"I'll give you a tour," Diana grinned.


End file.
